Thursday, August 17, 2006

A Letter for the Benefit of Humanity

I'm restless. I want to do speed training. Doesn't that sound fun? It involves running fast around a track twice, and then running normal for one. If I got to play like all the other kids, I would do that five times this evening. I'm really tempted. In all likelihood, I will instead be on the stupid elliptical for an hour. Oh, well, at least I get to watch TV.

Oh, before I forget, there's something I need to do.

Dear Lady Who Wears Perfume at the Gym,

I hate you. I know that seems extreme. I didn't hate you when you first stepped onto the elliptical machine next to me. In fact, you sort of amused me then.

I tried to imagine if you would seem so absurd if you were wearing streetclothes and walking down the street, or a ball gown at the Oscars.

Yes, I decided. The only way you would not seem completely ridiculous is if you were basically in one of those bubbles that they make for people with no immune systems. Because maybe, just maybe, your Defcon 5 perfume reek would be muted to a semi-appropriate level. I'm not totally sure, but it's possible. I'm trying to offer solutions here.

But really, someone needs to stage an intervention. It should probably be someone close to you, so you will understand that the criticism is coming from a place of love. If it is someone who hates you, like me, for instance, you might feel defensive. You may have difficulty taking away the right message when I am rifling through your gym back and locking all the toiletries in a vault and then eating the key.

Look, we potentially have to spend more than an hour together. And I think we can agree that neither of us are having the best time during that period. I'm the first to admit that I can be prone to grouchiness after 45 minutes of fake-running.

So, let's do this the easy way, ok? You arrange for your crappy perfume to be disposed of at Yucca Mountain or similar, and I will not cut the brakes on your car.

Gosh, I feel better. I guess what they say about expressing your feeling is all true.




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